The me that I remember... I remember being confident,feeling sexy and fun, independent, sassy, lover of life, lover of love. I was affectionate, a bit crazy, a chatterbox, friendly, caring. I remember having passion and fire in my soul and wanted to fight the good fight and always stood up for myself and what I believed.. Over time I feel I was worn down..people who really shouldn't have had any influence over me often telling me I was too over the top, too noisy, I couldn't always say what I felt because of what people might think. I slowly began to constantly worry what others were thinking (I used to be like that when I was younger..I grew out of it and learned it didn't matter then became like that again..) I lost a little bit of weight 20Kgs ready for my wedding and all my attention went into that and the planning of my wedding and then the wedding came and went and it turned out I was also growing a baby.. excited and scared the next 8 months flew by I put on 30Kgs and I had become a mother and then Post Natal Depression hit me hard... My baby turns 12 this year and I am only just starting to see light again.. 2 years went by and I fell pregnant with my second put on another 30kgs unfortunately I struggle to see in my memories the good times..(thank goodness for photos) over time I stopped believing I was good enough.. I forgot who I was, who I am.. I made a few desperate attempts to reclaim myself again and tried to be me again but not aways in the right way.. I made several mistakes in the process and hurt people I care about...Im not blind to my faults I know I wasn't and still not perfect.. I am now open to growth and change keep the good change the not so good I figured because I was married with children I was just meant to be a good mother and wife and to hell with who I was because she was gone she didn't matter anymore my duty was to my husband and children.
For many years my larger frame and thick skin had been my protection against the world and outwardly I would put on a big bravado and personality to match overtime adding more and more protective layers inside I was sinking deeper into depression regardless of the medication I was on.. I was becoming recluse, unfeeling, blank..nothing could affect me I was numb not happy or sad but sinking lower with every layer burying and covering up every scar every bad feeling, everything that has ever hurt me.. and with that several years past.With my incredibly loving, patient and tolerant husbands help, I slowly started to climb out of my hole and attempt to live again.
For the last 18 months I have been focusing solely on the physical side of losing weight.. Making sure I'm eating right and exercising and of course my lapband has played a huge role in making sure I wasn't consuming too much.. I managed to shed 25kgs I never considered shedding the emotional layers as well and now suddenly while sitting on the plateau, unable to move I am feeling exposed, often avoiding those that love and know me the best in fear of them seeing right through me..back to worrying what people think of me, worrying if they like me and if they really are my friends..over thinking, and over analysing everything I do... I just want me back.. the one I remember I know she's in there she has popped her head up over the years but never long enough to come back...
SO please if I am being over sensitive or stressing or worrying please please be patient with me. I think the only way I will get off this plateau is to get my headspace right and make peace with myself and love me again..
Love always Me
No comments:
Post a Comment